Surgery got me down

When is enough enough? I hate this crap! I am having surgery on Wed…The day after tomorrow. I have dislocated my shoulder 3 times. They say after you do it twice you need the surgery and it is just going to get worse. But I have gone a few months without having a dislocation.

I am just really nervous about this. It has been really messing with my life. I can’t lift weights like I would like to, and some serious contact sports are out of the question. But I keep thinking…what if? What if my shoulder is healed enough to where I wont need surgery. This thing is huge. I will be in a sling for 4 weeks. I will be in rehab for about 4 months after that. I just don’t know. Is it worth it?

I did go a year before my second dislocation. And when it came out, it just popped out, there was a minimal amount of force to it. Gahhh! I hate this crap. I really really don’t want to be in a sling for 4 weeks. I want to have my life back, I want to be able to work out and rough house and have fun. Freaking shoulder!!!

I am not looking forward to Wednesday.

I Can't win!

The world has set itself against me! Everything is working in opposition to what I need to happen. FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
I may not have insurance now, because my Mom neglected to mention some very important things to me, and I am an absent minded person. So all may be for not. I FUCKING HATE LIFE. I am just so sick of everything, nothing is easy, everyone is out to fuck you, and pretty much everything has lost its luster. NOTHING seems worth it, everything that I think I want to do is dangled in my face and thrown away. God has a very strange sense of humor, that I think sometimes is rather sadistic. I have so much and yet I complain. What has worth?

Why does it all have to be so Difficult!!!!

I just cannot stand it! There is so much crap I have to deal with. Women, and school, and now a Surgery! And also my Mom is on to me about joining the marines. I am not even sure I want to join the marines. Even less certain than that is the possibility for me to even try. I am going to undergo surgery and then try to promptly go through OCS. Life is ridiculous! And this morning, I just learned that they are doing my surgery a week later than I wanted, so now I can't come home for about a week! AHHHHHH! I am just so frustrated with everything. Nothing is easy, everything is so freaking hard. I feel like there is pretty much no one in my corner, and I am facing a much larger opponent.
Furthermore my room is like 2 degrees, for some reason my room is always the hottest and coldest in my house. A cold front came in the morning and I could see my breath when I woke up!
I hate this shit!