New stuff

It has been awhile, But I am flipping tired and my back hurts so I figured I would compose a quick blog so as to let people know I am still alive. Nothing serious today, my life has been so chock full of serious it would seem overkill to blog about it. Today I just want to make mention of a few things I have noticed of late and how stupid they are.

First off, the rise of THE ANTIOXIDENT! Alright, so has anyone else been paying attention to the not so slow take over of the word antioxidant? I started noticing it in my tea, then it was in my juice. One day in the shower, I look down and there are antioxidants in my shower gel to help me make it through the day. Now, I can buy Shampoo, pet food(fluffy needs his dose of antioxidants), soda, and toothpaste all with helpful antioxidants. I, (and I think most people), have no flipping clue what these amazing and only recently discovered things are. I am going to guess that they are just another name for vitamins and the newest and dearest buzz word in advertising. In a society that wants to eat tons of crappy food and then take a vitamin or drink a cup of tea that will magically make them immune to everything. Bad words like exercise and vitamins and eating healthy get worn out. Now we have a completely new thing. Antioxidants! If you can consume enough of them, then you will live forever and never even suffer from a cold. Or so sayeth the people who make commercials and advertisements(They are wise do not question them….Or else!). OK, some parts of that did not make sense, but I apparently did not get enough antioxidants in my morning coffee so don’t blame me.

Second, I would like everyone to take a moment and think about how serious and important your work is. Now, if you are a doctor or a nurse, or a police officer than you can approach your work with some seriousness. But even in those lines of work, there are many things, CYA paperwork that are not a world ending calamity. People take their work WAY to frickin seriously now adays. I have temped in many a different office, and let me tell you. While it is important that people show up and do their work and stuff gets done so the gears of the soul killing machine can continue to grind it is also not necessary on almost every level to be freaked out and super serious about your work. Things will get done, and if they don’t it probably means someone is expecting way too much of you and you should move to another job. Everyone in a developed country around the planet seems to get this but us. OK, by everyone I mean, all of the developed countries I don’t make fun of all the time. Sorry, but Japan is a pretty easy target. And China does not count, because so much of their population is living in substandard conditions.

Seriously, it is like the world is looking less and less at what is going on and what is important and concentrating more on the idiotic idea of progress and competition. Gahh, why can’t people look at themselves and try to change things. Why can’t we realize that working a 65 hour week is not a healthy happy way to live. Maybe kids really should have healthcare even if they can’t afford it. OK, well I jumped off the end into seriousness. Can’t help it, everything needs so much work I can only joke about how we are going to hell in a hand basket for so long.

Take care o’yourself…..

The D-Bag List

OK, I have decided to begin a list on my Blog. It is the, you might be a D-Bag if list. Similar to the Redneck list, but mostly it is just going to be a list of things that people do that annoy the shit out of me, and probably everyone else on the planet. So, here goes. Now, if you do one of these, it is possible that you just have a quirky personality. But people who find themselves guilty on multiple accounts should do some serious soul searching.

You may be a D-bag if:
1. You pop your collar for reasons other than the weather.
2. You have worn a shirt that says, “If you can read this, the bitch fell off”
3. You have ever said the word “Bra or Braw” to address a friend and were not being sarcastic.
4. You are exceptionally loud in lifting weights at the gym and weight until lots of people are around to do your exercising.
5. Your name is Dick Cheney
6. You actually like Paris Hilton
7. You have ever been on MTV.
8. You like the band Hinder, or Nickel Back.
9. You often wear “Froggers”, the things that connect to the back of Sunglasses. Also known as Frat Tails.
10. You drive a “gas guzzler” without a good reason, and or, don’t use your turn signals. I have found that these two things have a very high positive correlation.

Anyways, that’s all. More to come in the future. It has been awhile. Post your suggestions for better things on the list of you can think of any.

I want some SOMA!!!!!!

Back in the day. Which was a Tuesday by the way. Back in the day about the time that the epic of Gilgamesh was being recorded, people began stories by saying What! In fact, that is the first word of the epic. Except it is really pronounce whot or something like that, it was certainly not recorded in modern English. Now, we begin out stories or statements with So.

So, I have/had always considered myself exceptionally blessed. Or lucky. Yeah, I have been to the ER a few times, broken stuff. But by and by, I am one of the most lucky/blessed people I know. I have a big loving family. I had until 2005 never lost someone close to me. I have no debilitating diseases other than selfishness. But recently it seems like things for my family and I have slowly been heading back to reality. I don’t really like to talk about myself. Well, I do; just not about stuff that is close to me. I don’t like to discuss things that are underneath my armor. And for the most part, in the entry I won’t. Sorry…But I did say for the most part, so here is what has been on my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.

My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. This is possibly the most horrific disease I can imagine. I believe strongly in God, and his love for humanity. But I am having great difficulty reconciling the existence of something so FUCKING horrific in the same reality with a loving God. A condition that in essence slowly eats your soul, that degrades the basis of who you are. Give me a fast and painful car crash any day of the week over that.

During the day I have gotten pretty good at ignoring and not dealing with the horror that goes on before my eyes. But, for about the last month and a half my Grandmother has been consistently making appearances in my dreams. I have been remembering more and more of my dreams lately and most of them have featured an appearance of good old grandma. She is always incidental to what is going on in the dream. She shows up and starts talking to me, but not making any sense. She is always healthy looking like from when I was young and she tells me stories or talks to me. But it never has anything to do with my dream and amounts to nothing. But in my dreams she is always very adamantly trying to inform me of nothing. It is horrible. I cannot run from my dreams. Give me a nightmare about zombies before this real life tragedy. For those who don’t know, most of my nightmares involve zombies.

I don’t know exactly why I am writing about this. There are a few other things that are consuming my waking thoughts to an even greater degree. But those…they are too fresh. They are simply too new and complex for me to think or write about now. I can’t think of a good way to end this one. So, may you find peace in at least your dreams.

Lamentations

Ahhg, I can’t post on my Blog. And thus I am unable to write out what the crap I am feeling for other to see. Hmm, this does not bother me so much anyways. I always feel guilty publishing a blog. I guess I don’t feel like what I have to write has enough value for others to read. It has to do with the fact that I wish I wrote a hell of a lot better. Ahh well, such is life.

So, I am beginning to believe that if my life was a film or a book, I would not be a sympathetic character. I am quite certain that I am not a good person. I am not necessarily a bad person. I am mostly just selfish and short sighted. I simply feel I am not the person I could be. We are all to some degree selfish, but that degree varies from person to person. I know and spend time with people who I believe to be more selfless and good intentioned then I have and may ever be. It makes me sad, that I think this way of myself.

Also, I am worried about how this line of thought has been affecting me. I have begun to question almost all of my actions. I simply cannot figure out why I do what I do. I just wish I was better.

Back to the Basics.....Again and again and again

I have a deep respect for both of my parents. They raised me to the best of their abilities, and I have never wanted for food or shelter or really anything of significance. My parents are hard working, upstanding members of their community. True, they do have more than a little bit of a penchant for wine, but it is not anywhere close to a problem, it is more of an entertaining quirk. I respect my parents, but I in no way want to be like them. Because it is my belief that at their core, they are incredibly unhappy, unfulfilled people. They have a great family, lucrative jobs, and a nice house. But beneath their apparent success, they are unfulfilled. I believe that this is due to their lack of values. I don’t mean to say that my parents care about nothing, but to say that they are without something solid to care and pursue. If you know them you would say that from their conversation they highly value travel, and the experiences that it entails. While I do think that travel is very important in creating a well rounded individual, it cannot by any means stand up as a life value. Travel is enjoyable, but it has no deeper value. The well of travel will eventually run dry, as will the well of money, and physical experiences. All of these have nothing beyond them, they have a limited depth and breadth. My parents are unhappy because the have nothing that they can look to and value and pursue that goes deeper. They are quite literally without hope. They do not, by choice or habit look beyond the veil that is our life on this planet. It is my belief that simply living life day by day and not looking beyond it and through it and past it is an almost intolerable existence. I think that the reason so many people are taking anti-depressants and finding misery in everything is that they are looking to the world around them as a way to be fulfilled. My parents are the same, it is just that they have become so comfortable in their misery that they don’t even know what it is anymore.

It is for these reasons that while I respect and love my parents, I refuse to become like them. Life in all of its tactile pleasure cannot be all that there is. I value something outside of myself, something more and better and millions of times more pure than myself. God and Faith are the values through which I choose to perceive my existence. To me, they are where the rabbit hole leads, their well does not run dry. And even though at this point in my life I find it increasingly difficult to follow and live life with them, they have become as much a part of me as my heart or my bones. They are almost a physical part of my existence. Without God and faith I could not understand or bare the world around me. It is through God that I can see some sanity, and beauty in all of the pain and suffering around me. It is my hope that as my life progresses I will be able to more and more live life though my values, finding more depth and meaning and walking further and further away from the values that I currently so strongly cling to.

I know that everything I have written has been said before a thousand times in and as many different languages, each time holding up something similar as the real thing to value and pursue. I had to say this like I sometimes have to say the pledge of allegiance. Because it is the statement and mantra of who I am and what I believe and feel.

So tired and stressed. The cold combined with wearing a sling and going to rush while trying to stay on top of homework is taking its toll. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I think I am going to have one of those nights where I freak out and fall asleep feeling like everything is helpless and falling apart. Ohh well.

I think I am just going to stop talking to my parents for awhile. Every time I speak with them they tell me about how I should be out searching for my position in corporate America. I know that I am going to have to start a career and probably pretty soon, but I am not sure what I want that career to be. I am still considering the military, and even possibly taking the MCAT. Unfortunately my family wants me to begin my life as a cubicle zombie 3 days after I graduate.

I really just don’t see the appeal. I can work 40+ hours a week for a decent amount of money so that I can afford a relatively decent car that I drive to and from work. Then I can get married, have 2.5 children and then retire and die. It seems like everyone in my family wants me to jump on that track tomorrow and never look back. Unfortunately I am not sure that that path is what I want. My parents did that, and they are very unhappy people. But they hide is behind their middle class sensibilities. I think there is something very sick and very wrong with the way things are going and with the path that I am simply expected to take.

Well, I am going to attempt to look-over some of my homework now. Peace, love, and puppy dogs to all.

Surgery got me down

When is enough enough? I hate this crap! I am having surgery on Wed…The day after tomorrow. I have dislocated my shoulder 3 times. They say after you do it twice you need the surgery and it is just going to get worse. But I have gone a few months without having a dislocation.

I am just really nervous about this. It has been really messing with my life. I can’t lift weights like I would like to, and some serious contact sports are out of the question. But I keep thinking…what if? What if my shoulder is healed enough to where I wont need surgery. This thing is huge. I will be in a sling for 4 weeks. I will be in rehab for about 4 months after that. I just don’t know. Is it worth it?

I did go a year before my second dislocation. And when it came out, it just popped out, there was a minimal amount of force to it. Gahhh! I hate this crap. I really really don’t want to be in a sling for 4 weeks. I want to have my life back, I want to be able to work out and rough house and have fun. Freaking shoulder!!!

I am not looking forward to Wednesday.