I want some SOMA!!!!!!

Back in the day. Which was a Tuesday by the way. Back in the day about the time that the epic of Gilgamesh was being recorded, people began stories by saying What! In fact, that is the first word of the epic. Except it is really pronounce whot or something like that, it was certainly not recorded in modern English. Now, we begin out stories or statements with So.

So, I have/had always considered myself exceptionally blessed. Or lucky. Yeah, I have been to the ER a few times, broken stuff. But by and by, I am one of the most lucky/blessed people I know. I have a big loving family. I had until 2005 never lost someone close to me. I have no debilitating diseases other than selfishness. But recently it seems like things for my family and I have slowly been heading back to reality. I don’t really like to talk about myself. Well, I do; just not about stuff that is close to me. I don’t like to discuss things that are underneath my armor. And for the most part, in the entry I won’t. Sorry…But I did say for the most part, so here is what has been on my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.

My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. This is possibly the most horrific disease I can imagine. I believe strongly in God, and his love for humanity. But I am having great difficulty reconciling the existence of something so FUCKING horrific in the same reality with a loving God. A condition that in essence slowly eats your soul, that degrades the basis of who you are. Give me a fast and painful car crash any day of the week over that.

During the day I have gotten pretty good at ignoring and not dealing with the horror that goes on before my eyes. But, for about the last month and a half my Grandmother has been consistently making appearances in my dreams. I have been remembering more and more of my dreams lately and most of them have featured an appearance of good old grandma. She is always incidental to what is going on in the dream. She shows up and starts talking to me, but not making any sense. She is always healthy looking like from when I was young and she tells me stories or talks to me. But it never has anything to do with my dream and amounts to nothing. But in my dreams she is always very adamantly trying to inform me of nothing. It is horrible. I cannot run from my dreams. Give me a nightmare about zombies before this real life tragedy. For those who don’t know, most of my nightmares involve zombies.

I don’t know exactly why I am writing about this. There are a few other things that are consuming my waking thoughts to an even greater degree. But those…they are too fresh. They are simply too new and complex for me to think or write about now. I can’t think of a good way to end this one. So, may you find peace in at least your dreams.