Lamentations

I am at the cusp of graduation. I have to take 3 more classes in my major before I will officially hold now and forever a major in finance at the University of Kentucky. And at the moment I think I can say that one of my biggest regrets in life will have been to study finance here. I could have developed a greater understanding of chemistry, or biology. I could have pursued English or geography. But I chose to have a practical major. One that I could easily apply in the real world. But what have I learned? I have learned that I absolutely despise the business world. I cannot stand finance because as far as I am concerned it is a major representative of everything I find wrong in society.
The other day I was a bumper sticker that said, “Never have so few taken so much from so many for so long”. Now while I believe that it is the fundamental nature of man to screw other men over and take more then necessarily for oneself. So thus I don’t completely agree with that bumper sticker, I do on a very visceral and powerful level sympathize with it. And the field of finance, the concepts that is runs and is founded upon run on this basic aspect of human nature. If we were to simply evolve and take care of each other tomorrow, if we got rid of greed…my field of study would mean nothing, my major would have no application in reality.

Sleepy

I have been having some serious problems sleeping lately. I go to sleep at approximately 3 wake up at 5 and then I usually have to get ready for the day at about 8:30. I think tomorrow I am going to call me school clinic and see if they can do anything to help me out. Maybe a no habit forming really week sleep aid will help. Seriously, I feel like poop during the afternoons.

Tomorrow is a big day, 4 courses. 1 of which I like, and 2 of which I want to attack the teacher. Well, such is life.

My roommate suggested going to China and teaching English for a year after graduation, he asked me if I wanted to come along. I doubt I will, but it sounds like a decent idea. I would probably wind up in Chinese prison for being a Christian though. If he does it and I still have no plans I will probably seriously consider it. It is looking more likely that my shoulder will disqualify me from OCS. I am pretty upset about this, but I have decided to deal with it once it is final. I guess I am going to try and go back to sleep. I hope it works this time, I am really tired of not being able to sleep.

Is this growing up?

I have not felt peace in a long time. I have been happy, and tired, I have been excited, and calm. I have felt safe, and many other things. But I have not had peace.

I thurst for peace before almost everything else. To understand, to know that it is all alright, that everything will be OK. Yet I cannot find it, I cannot feel it. And it is so much more than just that.

I am weary of not knowing.