Why should the fire die?

So, I guess I have not done a lot of confessing. But tonight I suppose I will change that. Tonight, my heart hurts. No, more it aches. I was reading a book today and in it one of the main characters died. I am not exactly sure how to explain this but the author did a really amazing job of describing loss and pain. And it cut deep. Recently one of my close freinds died. I am not writing for pity, I did not even really want to write this so others could see. But, after I write this I am going to try and write something that her daughters will read when they are older. I guess I just wanted to try this on an audience that would not feel as much as my next one. Death is such a bizzare thing, I have only revently in the last year become acquainted with it. So far within the las 12 months I have been close to 3 amazing people who will open their eyes no more. The first two were good freinds, but not as close as Morgan. Genny and Hayden were good freinds, but I had only known them for about a year or so. Morgan I had known for many. I miss Genny and Hayden, I have mourned them. They were beautiful and amazing people, but my heart does not ache as strongly for them as it does and has continued to for Morgan.

Morgan was someone I expected to grow old with. She had children and a life. She was strong and smart and caring. I was lucky to share so much with her. I have so much to say, but it all means nothing. She is gone. I feel so selfish missing her, because I know that for others losing her was so much worse. She was a daughter, and so many things to so many others. But she meant so much to me also. I still am not sure what I am supposed t do about this. I understand now the complicated mourning rituals of other cultures. It gives you something to do, it is a place to put everything and it helps make a time and a release for pain. I miss Morgan so much, but I feel so bad that I got to know her and remeber her when her daighters will probably not. Fuck!

Unless you have some amazing way to deal with loss, please do not comment on this post. I feel guilty for even making it public. But I am so confused on the issue......